Connecting As A Couple Part II

That Was a Train Wreck

So you had the difficult conversation, but you don’t feel like your partner heard you or they shrugged it off.  You may feel like no matter what you say they do not hear you. Ugh, yes, I’ve been there. There is nothing worse than having a difficult conversation and you feel like you have not been heard. They nod, they say okay, but no action or understanding is behind the response or worse, they take it personally.

When I have been in this situation, I often take a step back and ask myself “okay Nicole, what did I say and how did I say it?” Sometimes it has nothing to do with what we say, it has to do with how we say it (my mother’s words, screaming in my head). Ask yourself, how is your tone? Did you blurt out what you wanted to say, and was a hot mess? Did you throw it on them when they first walk in the door, like surprise here is my shit that I have been thinking about all day and now I’m going to word vomit on you because I’m nervous and not sure what to say. Hey, we have all been there, it is okay, hope is not lost.

Here are some techniques to help you say what is needed.

Timing-don’t dump on your partner when they walk through the door, do set up a time to have a conversation. Example, hey I would like to talk to you about a few things later, they are important to me, what time works for you?

What to say– What are the major points? What is your immediate need(s)? Hint, it is okay to ask for guidance from your guides. I often do this before a difficult conversation, it can be as simple as: “please help me say what I need to in a way that I will be heard in a compassionate and direct way, help me find my words.”

How to Say It– Do not talk down to your partner, this can be difficult when you have “had” this conversation before. General rule, how do you want to be spoken to?

Do not bring past conversations/fights/miscommunications into the current conversation especially if those have been resolved. Nothing worse than dragging up old crap and throwing it around to make a shit show out of the current situation.

 Take a deep breath, exhale and say it with kindness, compassion and honesty.

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